Tuesday, September 26, 2017

A Choice

Imagine there are two doors.

And not the fancy doors with the blinking numbers, rainbow sparkly colors or silver tassels being blown by a fan on a game show with money or new cars behind them! Not those doors.

Two doors, which seem to be exactly the same. Same color and same pale shade of yellow, trapped in the same molded doorway with the same door handle, dull and uninviting. They look the same.

But they aren't the same.

Behind Door One:  It's the safe doorway. It leads to the same daily activities, washing the same high chairs, having the same conversations, snuggling the same baby and feeling their affection. Hearing the same little giggles and getting to be silly with puppets or ordering two dozen doughnuts on the pretend phones. It also has the same second job; with the sometimes stressful work environment, but the fact that the people are great to work with and we share laughter. At home, there's the same cross-stitching projects, saying that it's time to write, but never getting more than a few words. Laundry hangs in doorways, dishes sit on the table unwashed, and books are spread along the open spaces, along with random Star Trek decorations on the walls. It's the same. It isn't always what's wanted, but it's safe.

Behind Door Two: It's different. It leads to new opportunities. Graduate school for a Master's degree in Creative Writing. Or a new job with different responsibilities. There would still be the same Star Trek decorations, a love of Halloween and Hocus Pocus. Cross-stitch projects would sit on the arms of the couch, half done, but worked on and loved. Laundry will still probably hang in doorways. There will probably be homework and not enough time for a second job, but that job might not be needed with a new job.

The big thing is... I don't want to live with regret.

I don't want to regret not doing something I love. Maybe a Master's degree in Creative Writing won't affect my normal job, but I'd love to do free-lance critiquing on the side. To help other writers improve and give them the confidence to follow their dreams. I'd love to help others with their writing! If anything, I'd love to learn more about creative writing and grow in my own writing.

The whole thing kinda terrifies me. I don't know if I want to make this choice, but I'm also not sure how to keep going with the way things are going.

I don't want to regret not doing something for myself. But I have no idea if this choice is right.

I kinda want to change, but I don't know if I can.


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